In the Catholic faith there are 7 Sacraments. Baptism, Eucharist, Reconciliation, Confirmation, Marriage, Holy Orders, and Anointing of the Sick. These sacraments are special occasions for experiencing God's grace and presence. At this time in my life I had already received the Sacrament of Baptism after birth and the Sacrament of Eucharist while I was in the second grade (May 5, 2012 blog The First Communion-cute pics). Now I was in the fourth grade. This was the year we received the Sacrament of Reconciliation at St. Thomas Aquinas.
This was not an easy sacrament to accomplish. With Baptism we were babies and we just had to look cute and adorable. With the Sacrament of Eucharist it was learning about the last supper and remembering that Christ gave his body to die on the cross to save us from our sins. Now with the Sacrament of Reconciliation we had to tell the priest our sins. That is hard for anyone to do, especially a 10 year old.
In preparation for this day we learned about different sins and the laws of God, mostly we studied the 10 commandments. Some of these laws seemed far-fetched for us. DO NOT COMMIT ADULTRY! We were in the fourth grade. We were not even thinking about sex at that age. We all felt safe for not breaking that law. DO NOT COVENT THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE OR OXEN! Again, we are children. We don't want our neighbor's wife or any other wife and my neighbor didn't have any oxen or donkeys or any other pets that I wanted. Sidenote: I do know as an adult there is a more meaning to this but as a child statements were taken at face value. REMEMBER THE SABBATH! It's Sunday. Whew! I remembered what day it was. There is another one I don't have to worry about breaking. YOU SHALL NOT MAKE FOR YOURSELF AN IDOL! No one was walking around with a golden calf under their arm so we didn't have to worry about that commandment either. What sins do we break? In our eyes we are perfect and sinless.
In Mrs. Dickinson's classroom we rehearsed what Penance was going to be like. A priest would sit in a chair in a corner of the church or in a special room behind the alter and we would sit in a chair next to him. It wasn't a closed closet that you see in the movies. This was going to be face to face. I had to start the conversation off by saying, "Good Morning Father. This is my first confession (or it has been yada yada months or years since my last confession)." Then I start spilling the beans on my sins. The priest would do his part and I would go back to my seat, reflect and pray the rosary.
The priests were wonderful men. Father Brendan, Father Pat, Father Jim, and a priest who had a collie style dog. Father Brendan and Father Pat were close to our family in couseling my mother during her divorce and being there for my grandparents during their sickness of cancer and eventually giving them Anointing of the Sick before they passed away. Now I have to go in front of one of them and tell them how bad I have been. They have been so supportive in my family and I have to tell them my sins in order to be forgiven?! I was hating the day for my Sacrament of Reconciliation.
It was on a Wednesday. Grades 4th, 5th, and 6th grades walked across the parking lot from the school to the church in the morning to attend service. First, second and third grade went to church on Thursdays and 7th and 8th grades went on Friday. We walked in and you can see a pair of chairs set up in different areas of the church. Mass started as usual. Then all the priests gathered up on the alter and told us where they each would be sitting and we could pick who we would like to see. They walked down the aisles, their long robes fluttering behind them as they walked. Peaceful instrumental music played in the background with some kind of scenery picture displayed up on the large screen behind the alter. A few kids got up and walked over to the priests. Some waited a few pews away to be the next person to tell their sins to the priest. I remember the church being dark and cold. I did not want to be there. I was debating madly at which priest I would pick to tell my darkest sins to; which priest that would look forever at me with disappointment for not being a perfect child. I just wanted it done and over with.
I finally got the ambition to head to a priest. I picked the one with the dog. Father Ed I am thinking was his name but I am not really sure. I didn't want the other priests, who were closer to my family, to know my sins. I was ashamed of them. I sat there on the dark wood pew waiting for a classmate to get done. As each child finished up everyone looked at them in awe. They made it out alive. They are still walking. They don't have to worry about talking to the priest anymore, ran through my thoughts. My attention would resume back to me. What to say. What to say. What to say. I would think as I kicked my little legs back and forth waiting my turn. Deep down inside I hoped the person in front would take up all the time and the priests would just say enough and service is over and to go back to school. It never happened. Then it was my turn.
I got up and slowly walked to Father Ed. I never made eye contact with him. I didn't want him to remember me or my sins. I just wanted to be another blank nameless face out in the crowd. Sitting there in the chair it reminded me of someone getting their hair done at the beauty salon by the way his robe hung down around him loosely and his black trousers with black shoes sticking out from the bottom of the robe. FOCUS! I had to focus! I remembered where I was and began to speak. I just opened my mouth and let the words flood out.
" Fighting with my brother and sister,"
Everyone says that. My mind started to talk to me, Can't you think of anything orginial?
"Not obeying my mom,"
Good. Good. Keep going. You have only been here a short time. You need more sins to tell, my brain would continue to speak to me.
"Forgetting homework assignments. Not doing good on tests."
I would think of my classmates. How can they be with the priest for so long! Are they that horrible of a person. I need more sins to think of.
"I swear sometimes. I stole some candy when I was little and I have lied."
Good with the lying and stealing. Those were in the commandments, my brain would appease my words.
"And that is it." I would end the confession of my sins.
Father Ed gave me a small pep talk on how to live a good life by obeying God's laws. He instructed me to go back to my seat and say the rosary a few times and that my sins will be forgiven. He sounded like a cashier at a check-out line in the grocery store. I try to think of some sins that I have commited and all I get is my total being a few rosary's and have a good day?! I was dismayed by it all. I have to do this twice a year?! I better start sinning more so I have something to tell the priest! I would think to myself.
Moving on to my junior high school years I started to really question why I needed the priest to forgive me of my sins. This has nothing to do with Catholicism but my own personal walk with the Lord. Why can't I just tell Jesus my sins? Why do I have to go through a priest to be forgiven? I started questioning other things in my faith and I started to take a step back and look for answers elsewhere which led me down a hard path in life.
Eighth grade came and it was time to start preparing me for the Sacrament of Confirmation. I told my mother no. It was a difficult decision to make because everyone around me has made that sacrament. My classmates were making it, my brother and sister have made it and it was my turn to make it. But I did decline. I stopped practicing Catholism then. It was not easy going against the grain of my family on the Catholic faith which has been embedded in our family for generations. My mother, sister and brother still practice the Catholic faith and attend mass and uphold its traditions. And that is all good. We have learned to respect and accept each other's differences.
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